Last evening was Draco's surprise party. Pansy and Blaise are such good friends to him. The party was lovely and being able to surprise Draco was no small feat.

I also met Draco's Harry Potter. So different from what I expected. He is so attractive and looks just like his father. But those eyes...I felt as if I were staring at Lily Evans. It brought back memories of times I had long since forgotten. A time when Lucius was my world and I thought I was his.

The reality of how Lucius used me came crashing onto me and I was again drowning in a sea of despair. I tried to cover it, but I'm sure Blaise saw right thru my feeble excuse to leave. Next to Draco, he sees into my soul better than anyone.

I'm glad Draco has someone in his life to love him. He should be loved.

he should not have lied to me

I need to owl Severus and get a sleep potion...as sleep eludes me and the voices in my head will not stop.

I feel as though reality is slowly slipping away from me. When Blaise and I were shopping for Draco's birthday gift, I was happy and content. Suddenly an overwhelming sadness consumed me and I could not leave fast enough. I have never gone this long without talking to Draco. I feel completely out of touch with him and his life.

My head tells me to just let things go and it will all work out. My heart is so filled with anger and sadness at his betrayal that I do not know where to turn. I wish he had never told me, I wish things were back to normal although now I am no longer sure what normal is I wish the voices in my head would stop and allow me to rest....

I haven't seen Draco for days and I miss him so much. His birthday is soon and I have a few thoughts on what to get him. I think I will see if Blaise can offer me some insight on a gift.

I know Draco is still troubled by our last encounter...as am I. But I still find I cannot confront him yet. I still need to process how I feel about this incident and until I can do that, I am unable to move forward.

It is late and yet I find myself unable to sleep. When I closed my eyes, I have so many things running in my head. There is much to think about, but I cannot bring myself to dwell on this. I have decided to let it stay in the past and move forward.

I have owled Draco and have not heard from him. I am sure he is avoiding me. I was unable to hide my distress with him the other evening.

I need to find in my heart the ability to forgive him, as I have already said the words.

It has been an emotional few days. Draco is starting a relationship and I couldn't be more thrilled. He needs someone in his life. Someone to love him and hold him and to tell him when he is being an arse. I love my son, but I do see his shortcomings better than anyone.

His news about his father cut me to the core. But I have decided that I will not think about it. I will continue as if it never occurred. I refuse to let Lucius control one more minute of my life.

I just wish I could control this feeling of deep sadness I have trying to consume me

I do not know what to do. Draco gave me the most disturbing news last evening. He had know about his father's affair for a year before I found out. I realize that Lucius can be forceful, but how could Draco keep this from me for so long.

I am beside myself. I don't know where to turn. I told Draco I forgave him, but have I really?

I am so confused....

*sobbing as she writes*

Perhaps Severus can help me.

Draco is coming by tonight for dinner. It has been ages since we have had an evening alone. I so look forward to catching up on his life and his new relationship. He has been under quite a bit of pressure lately. I know some of it has to do with his father returning to London, but my mother's intuition tells me it is something more...

My life is a shamble. Lucius rotten, two-timing, bloody bastard has returned to England. I know he wishes to sway Draco from me. If that happens, my life will be over. He is my sole reason for living.

And with Draco...he seems to be starting a relationship with Harry Potter, of all people. I am glad they are trying to put the silly childhood rivalry behind them and see that they have cared for each other for some time. Two people do not fight like that for so many years without feelings for each other. I can only hope they find support and not ridicule. But I also feel he is keeping things from me. He has always been open with me and I cannot bear it if he closes me off.

I am so vulnerable now that Lucius has returned. No one, not even Draco, knows how badly he hurt me. This Gala will be a true test to my strength. I have selected a dress that may be a bit risque, but I feel the need to show that I am still a beautiful woman.